StepOut - Donate

Sunday, August 06, 2006

6 Months

Today, it has been 6 months since my painful breakup. I was surprised this afternoon when I realized it was today, and I didn't freak out or get all weepy. That's progress, right? I feel like I've come pretty far since February (and I should hope so anyway!).

Now I'm pretty much back to where I was before I met him. Convinced I'm going to be alone forever. Okay, I really have more hope for finding someone I can spend my life with, but in my lower moments I do fear eternal solitude. Even when I was with him, I had those moments of fear that something would happen and I'd be left alone again. Not usually a fear that he was going to leave me, so much as a fear that there'd be some accident or illness that would take him from me. Obviously, I have issues with death and loss. (But at least I'm aware of it. And yes, I know it's out of my control anyway, and I will deal with what life brings. But I am a worrier by nature. I wouldn't not get involved with someone due to the fear of loss.)

But my point is that independence, as much as I value it, is sometimes exhausting. I know I can provide for myself, and get along fine on my own and have a fulfilling and enjoyable life. However, it's nice to have someone there to rely on as well. It really cuts down on the stress factor, and is just comforting. I miss that the most I think.


Dagny said...

It is like a double-edged sword.

Tami said...

Totally. I just wonder if I'm the only one that ever feels that way. (I assume I'm not, but you never know!)

Dagny said...

You are not alone.

Joie said...

Sorry, I forgot to check here for a few days,

Congratulations on coming so far off your first breakup. At the 6 month mark after mine, I was still hoping to get him back. Maturity has it's privlages.

I really hope you don't give up hope. Have you considered getting back out there in dating world. I know it sucks majorly at times, but you might want to start thinking about when you might be ready.

And you are not the only worrier. I am happily married and I worry about death, disease and cheating. The last one is probably stupid, you know my husband, but it remains never-the-less

Tami said...

Joie, it's not a matter of considering getting back into the dating world. You know me. I do not meet men. I am willing to date again and all that, but you know how hard it is for me to even meet a guy in the first place. The shyness factor doesn't help. And the online dating thing is really stress-inducing too, and I don't feel like dealing with it again yet. Why can't I just meet a guy like any other normal person? Anyway...I have not given up all hope.

(And sometimes there's still that little thought that he might come back, but I realize it is ridiculous, and that I might not want him back anyway. How could I trust him now?)

kerri said...

I've gotten to the point where I haven't given up, I just don't CARE anymore. I'm happier not caring. LOL!