I thought I'd been doing so well lately with the whole break-up thing. But, this weekend was a tough one. I don't particularly know why.
I have this bad habit of not deleting my phone messages after listening to them. So, today I decided to listen and delete the 14 messages saved on my machine (yes, 14). I didn't realize it had been so long since I'd cleared the machine. There were 5 messages on there from Fred - must have been months old (we've been broken up for almost 3 months). Well, every one of those old messages cut through me like a knife. It was hard to listen and I'll admit I broke down a little. But I deleted all of them. It felt like a final step in a way.
Will it get easier now? I'm kind of doubting it. I am back to feeling like I'll be alone forever - which isn't really a new feeling for me - my relationship with Fred was an 8 month break in the desolation. I want to think positive, but it's really difficult. I miss him so much, even though I know things weren't perfect. At the same time, I'm really upset at him (and getting angrier by the day) for what seems to me as his total lack of respect for me, shown by him ignoring my requests to return each others' stuff. Would it really have killed him to respond to the IM? I wasn't asking him to devote himself to me. I just wanted his crap out of my house. And I refuse to spend my money to mail it to him (especially since his little barbecue - the Ba-B-Q - is sitting out on my balcony). And really, I don't really know what I left at his house aside from the CDs that were in his car and a couple of movies (I do want the CDs and movies back). Anything else there is probably stuff he gave me as gifts. And I don't think I'd be able to really use or enjoy those things.
Argh...I feel pathetic for still being hung up on him. When will it stop? When will I no longer care if I ever hear from him again? Why do I still consider taking him back? (Not that it's an option - he has made it clear that he no longer wants me in his life.) Okay, sorry for the depressing rant...