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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Two steps back

I thought I'd been doing so well lately with the whole break-up thing. But, this weekend was a tough one. I don't particularly know why.

I have this bad habit of not deleting my phone messages after listening to them. So, today I decided to listen and delete the 14 messages saved on my machine (yes, 14). I didn't realize it had been so long since I'd cleared the machine. There were 5 messages on there from Fred - must have been months old (we've been broken up for almost 3 months). Well, every one of those old messages cut through me like a knife. It was hard to listen and I'll admit I broke down a little. But I deleted all of them. It felt like a final step in a way.

Will it get easier now? I'm kind of doubting it. I am back to feeling like I'll be alone forever - which isn't really a new feeling for me - my relationship with Fred was an 8 month break in the desolation. I want to think positive, but it's really difficult. I miss him so much, even though I know things weren't perfect. At the same time, I'm really upset at him (and getting angrier by the day) for what seems to me as his total lack of respect for me, shown by him ignoring my requests to return each others' stuff. Would it really have killed him to respond to the IM? I wasn't asking him to devote himself to me. I just wanted his crap out of my house. And I refuse to spend my money to mail it to him (especially since his little barbecue - the Ba-B-Q - is sitting out on my balcony). And really, I don't really know what I left at his house aside from the CDs that were in his car and a couple of movies (I do want the CDs and movies back). Anything else there is probably stuff he gave me as gifts. And I don't think I'd be able to really use or enjoy those things.

Argh...I feel pathetic for still being hung up on him. When will it stop? When will I no longer care if I ever hear from him again? Why do I still consider taking him back? (Not that it's an option - he has made it clear that he no longer wants me in his life.) Okay, sorry for the depressing rant...


Dagny said...

Sorry you're feeling down. You have reminded me why I get rid of phone messages pretty quickly. Of course I do still keep numbers programmed in my contact list on my cellphone. That's because I tend to forget phone numbers and want to be able to recognize it if a jerk decides he wants to call after several months.

You will get over it eventually. In the meantime, I say go buy yourself something fun -- like some yarn. ;-)

Tami said...
Yarn cures all ills! hehe...well, I do need to buy some before June, for the One Skein project anyway.

And I didn't delete his phone numbers yet either, because I want to recognize if it's him calling (it won't be....but just in case!) And I haven't gotten to deleting his screen names off my buddy lists yet either, though my friend Caitlin thinks I should. (Deleting these makes more sense, I just haven't let myself do it yet).

gray la gran said...

don't beat yourself up. you don't deserve that! you know you're way better off alone than as an unhappy couple. respect is a serious issue. my X didn't respect me either. unfortunately, he keeps resurfacing, like a virus .... happy knitting and crocheting! go check out your horoscope for the month at crazy aunt purl!

Kerri said...

Delete, delete, delete. Good for you Tami! Yarn is awesome, you've seen Meredith on Gray's Anatomy, right?? Hehehe. AND look, who she'll probably start dating next? Wahooo!

Heartbreak gets easier, trust ME, and it's ok if it's hard!

Dagny said...

Oooo. The button is fully operational. Woohoo! (I just tried it out. OK, and on days like this I start feeling like I am such a geek.)

Tami said...

No worries Dagny - you helped me feel like less of a dork than usual! (um...I mean that in a purely complimentary way...)

Kenneth said...

I totally get the part with the messages... I have to clean out my in box from time to time, too.

I don't think we ever become wholly indifferent to past loves. If there weren't residual feelings, then the feelings inthe past musn't have been that strong.

hang in there

Tami said...

My thoughts exactly Kenneth (but good to hear from someone else!)