It's been a long week. Yes, I know it's only Wednesday. The stress level at work continues at a steady high, with vast amounts of work to do and ever shrinking amounts of time in which to do it. There seems to be a lot more data entry lately...which makes me feel like I'm not getting to the meat of my job, as I'm not reviewing as many loans... And there are plenty waiting for my prying eyes. At these times (mega-busy, too much to do) I really relish every tiny non-work-related e-mail that comes in. My life is so full (ha!). (That was a thinly veiled hint for all my friends who read this - keep the idle prattle coming! It keeps me sane-ish! Heck, I'll even take your forwards, as long as they don't suck.)
Sadly, I'm sure anyone who looks at me twice (or even once) can tell I've been stressed. I have totally broken out over my whole forehead, and my cheeks/chin. I feel like I look like a 15 year old. And the scary part is, when I was 15, I never had terrible breakouts, though I did breakout here and there. In any case, it's annoying. But, I know acne doesn't necessarily go away after puberty. I remember about 10 years (or more) ago, my mother complaining that she had thought she'd stop getting zits before she hit 40. (Okay, I'm paraphrasing there.)
Anyway, speaking of being 15, I have been thinking lately about how much I've grown and changed since high school (and jr. high, and elementary school). Yet, with all that change, sometimes I still feel like that insecure little girl. I don't think I radiate insecurity anymore, like I have a feeling I did back in my younger days, when I was quiet and subdued and pretty much convinced that no one knew who I was (my current friends can't believe I was like that, but I was. Ask my mom!). And, I do a lot more positive self-talk now than I used to. But, even now, when I feel like I've been left out of something, I go right back to that withdrawn teen who thinks she's not liked or wanted. And as much as I tell myself not to take things personally, it's difficult to do. I'm not sure I really have a point there, except that it's funny how our personas change over time, but our core is pretty constant.
And obviously, I'm going on and on again, and should really get myself off to bed. I'm already bound to be late tomorrow. It's inevitable, since I left my cell phone plugged in under my desk at work again. So, I'd better do my best to be on time, because Murphy's Law is definitely against me. (Darn you Murphy! And your stinkin' law, too!!)
9 comments:
I just have to say I agree with and identify with everything you just said, including Murphy's Law. :) And I've discovered that most of us, even though we get older still feel like little insecure kids inside. I know I do.
LOL! Tami, just wait till you're MY age (56) and reflecting on changes since - gasp - elementary school. It's SCARY! Veeeeeeeeeery scaaaaary! As for insecurity - I think anyone who claims they AREN'T ever insecure is - well - insecure about ADMITTING it! I'm insecure on so many levels: about letting people know I DO get sad sometimes despite being a VERY upbeat person, about showing my creations on my doll groups (I worry 'cause I'm SURE I'm not as good as they are!) about having people meet me for the first time & seeing the surprise and/or shock on their faces when they realize, "OMG! She really IS as plain, round, & homely as she SAID!" LOL! So don't stress, Tami! I think you just need a break from all the work. PLAY this coming weekend! Do something fun JUST FOR YOU!
Yeah, I'm the same way. I dont feel like I'm 21. I feel like I'm 16 or 17 and not like a grown-up. When is that feeling supposed to kick in? Or does it never? Or is it because of my Oil of Olay regiment that keeps my skin so young, which makes me look young, which means I'll never feel like a grown-up? Or maybe it's the fact that I cherish stupid, pointless emails too...which by the way, I'll be sending your way now that I know you too love to have a distraction at work!
Um, one of the funny things here is that after I published this entry and re-read it (shouldn't I re-read it before publishing... Yes, I had that same problem in college with papers...print them and hand them in...then re-read...I was never much one for drafts and proof-reading. Managed to get some pretty good grades though - crap, I was trying to make a point wasn't I?) I noticed that I said I had that conversation with my mother about 10 years ago. I realized that 10 years ago, I was already 21 (you are SO not old yet DT) and that conversation was at least when I was still in high school. I guess I don't feel my age. That's a good thing! I like to think I don't look it either, but that's just my own vanity.
Kai - you are too hard on yourself! (But I'm a hypocrite, because I'm at least as bad)
And I thought it was just me.
Remember how I sent out pleas to everyone to send me movie ideas? I sent it out to like, 20 people. I got a grand total of 4 answers. (Including what I assume was an anonymous one from you. Yea!) And I've been moping around with a nobody loves me attitude. I feel kinda stupid about it right now......
So, I have plenty of insecurity too. And I do think yours is getting better, but I also think you still underestimate yourself. You're awesome!
Thanks Joie! And yes, I did leave suggestions on the movies... I always forget to sign my name! (But, apparently, you know me well enough to figure it out)
I feel the exact same way Tami! And whenever I see people from elem/jr.high/high school, I always ask, "I'm not quiet anymore, huh??" :) I still revert to my old self when I'm not invited to something..or heck..picked last on a team (though that hasn't happened since probably early college years...which was ACK!!! 10-11yrs ago.
Hope your post didn't come from Jim not inviting you to the surprise party...he's just a dork sometimes!!! I'm still ticked w/him for inviting the people he did..that didn't even show up! Talk about feeling like "no one likes you" when people are invited to a surprise party, who you know (but not that well..they are friends of your hubbys) and they don't even show up to a fully decorated house with tons of food and no people, except for the brother-in-law and (future) sis-in-law that put it together! (SIGH!)
Also, I've been within a few feet of you this week..and I don't notice the acne, so you don't look 15!! You look 40! JK! :) You look like your good 'ol young self! :) Yeah, you are 31..but sure the heck don't act it!! LOL I'm sure Kerry and Joie can agree with me on that one! HA HA!
OK..can you tell I don't want to do my work right now?
Have a great day! :)
I'm telling you that there's something in the air. *sigh*
I completely identify with the struggle with the quiet, withdrawn teen inside, and then when I tell someone about how quiet and shy I am? about half of them don't believe me.
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