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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Accentuate the Positive...

New Year's Eve and Day I was convinced that it would be a great year… Fred and I went into San Francisco for the party at the Hyatt, and spent the night dancing and having fun…and I finally had someone to kiss at midnight. We had a nice leisurely day on the 1st - he made a turkey for dinner while I did my laundry, and all was well with the world.

January. I woke up on the 2nd with poison oak. First time I'd ever gotten it, and according to the doctor, I'm incredibly sensitive since I only had secondary contact with it (It's confirmed...I'm a freak). That lasted (and itched horrifically) for a couple of weeks. Then, my brakes started making a grinding noise…metal on metal…kind of scary. Fred was all concern for me and urged me to take the car in. Which I did. $1200 to completely replace the front and back braking systems, and also to fix the broken circuit in my steering column that was preventing me from having working brake lights/turn signals. Worth it to make my car safe to drive again, but a good debt incurred on my credit card… Added stress from that. Fred had given notice to his company and accepted a new position further from his home. He had been stressed about that, and we'd discussed a lot of pros and cons. He seemed very introspective and slightly withdrawn. I figured it was because of the job. And I knew I wouldn't get to see him as much for a few months after he started at the new place, since he'd be at an offsite training for the first 2 weeks out in Sunnyvale, before starting to train at the office. Eventually, he was supposed to be able to work from his home office, but I knew it would be a while before that would happen. So, the last week of the month, he started the new job, and I was making sure not to pressure him into spending more time with me. The last weekend of the month he made a point to spend the day with me and my mother (who was visiting) and some close friends of mine. I ended up not feeling well that night, while at my friends' house, and Fred and mom ran out to find me medicine, and he was all concern for my welfare, and came and sat with me a little in the back bedroom, brushing my hair back and comforting me. He came over the next morning and stayed until a little after my mother left. Affectionate as ever. I was assigned a big project at work (along with a co-worker) to be completed by the end of first quarter. I took this as a sign of their confidence in my abilities...

February. Worst. Month. Ever. Well, may have been topped by May '92 when my sister died, but this was pretty bad for the recent years. The first week wasn't too bad. Fred was at my place Monday night, and everything seemed normal. I seem to remember waking up in the early hours to his hand stroking my hair off my face - very comforting. He was very stressed at work that whole week, and we didn't get to talk much, but I was looking forward to seeing either Friday night or the weekend. Friday came and went with no word from Fred…I left a message on his cell phone. He called me Saturday morning, and said that he'd been out driving and thinking until past 4am, and didn't call because he'd left his cell at work. He said he'd been thinking about everything, and wanted to talk to me. So, naturally, I panicked…I asked him if he still loved me, and he said of course, he just needed to ask me a few questions. I was headed to a friends house to help her with wedding stuff (she's getting married in August), and Sunday he was supposed to be working most of the day at his co-worker's house on some project his new boss gave him (even though he was not supposed to have started work until the next week, after the training sessions were over.) He told me not to worry. (Like that's going to happen…) So, I couldn't eat all day, I was on the verge of tears the whole time, trying to convince myself that my relationship wasn't ending while assembling save-the-date cards and viewing wedding dresses with my friend. And then she (my friend) had a huge fight with her mother and aunt that I was lucky enough to witness…(it was pretty awful, and her mother left). I get home…can't concentrate on anything…call Fred and ask if we can "talk" before Monday, because I can't handle waiting. I couldn't sleep all night. Sunday I left a few tearful messages, hoping he could come by quickly after work. No word until Monday morning at around 3:30am (I honestly can't remember the time). He told me he'd driven down to southern CA and back thinking about everything and trying to figure things out. He'd blown off the work project. And he said he'd stop by Monday night. And that I shouldn't worry. (Lying bastard) He had the nerve to ask me what I was afraid of. So I told him right then that I was afraid he was giving up on us. He said he just needed time to work through this. Work was awful Monday. He came by my place around 9:30pm, and I'd actually convinced myself that maybe it wasn't the end. Maybe we could just take things slower for a while. Nope, he was done. He said he just needed to be alone for a while. He wants me to still be in his life (so he said)…but doesn't want me to have any expectations. That's not going to happen. Not right away anyway. The rest of the month is a blur of tears and pain. But, I have awesome friends that are really supportive and definitely there for me. My family is great too. Mom came up the next weekend and cleaned my house. He called me that Saturday to see how I was doing and didn't understand why I was so upset and angry. He again stated he wants me in his life, and wants me to call if I ever want to go have coffee or something (????). I spent a few nights here and there with some friends. Work was there. And I threw myself into it. I was actually glad I was swamped, because I could focus on that instead of other things…Valentine's Day - which I have always hated, was not as bad as it could have been. I spent the night at my friends' house and felt highly loved by her 2 young children. It helped.

March. I had a random IM from Fred saying he'd gotten my e-mail (a random moment of weakness on my part - telling him I missed talking to him and that I had some things I felt like I needed to say). Awkward IM exchange that basically said nothing. I ended it by saying I needed to go to bed. Then...The car died (no, not that same night). After having just spent $1,200 on brakes, etc…the battery decides to die on me. And for some reason, it made me feel utterly alone. At least I was at home (down by the mailboxes - but walking distance to home, at least). Car trouble stresses me out like nobody's business. So, I spent another $200 on that repair, and took a sick day to take care of it. Work stress is out of control…the project deadline is looming, and all these other urgent projects have come up in the meantime, pushing the big project to the backburner. I sent a really long e-mail to Fred detailing my feelings and thoughts about everything (2 weeks ago), which really did make me feel better, because I felt like I finally had my say…even though he may never read it. No further word from Fred. I know I'm fooling myself, and causing more stress by doing so. I'm hoping that the hope will fade and I can move on. It hasn't been 2 months yet, though. And it's getting easier day by day. (And I know that I deserve somebody that will not bail on a relationship when life gets difficult.)

And after writing all of this out, things don't look all THAT bad, and I should quit my whining and move on. Easier said than done. I've never felt quite so emotional. Totally different from when my sister died. I was 16, cried for a week straight and then pretty much shut down. I've put up a lot of walls since then. I'm not saying that is healthy, but I recognize it. It was my confused teenage way of coping with the loss. I have few memories from that time. Fred helped knock a lot of those walls down, and I hope they don't go up again. I suppose I should thank him for that. But, I still have a hard time letting people go, and probably always will. I really value all of my relationships - friends, family, what have you. I guess that is why this is so hard for me. Once someone makes it into my heart (and I'm pretty picky about who gets in), I expect them to stay there. And, I guess I expect other people to value their relationships as much as I do, but I guess that's a bit idealistic.

In any case, I hate being this stressed out…and debate going back to drinking coffee (gave it up after the breakup, since I couldn't stomach anything, including coffee for a week, which kicked the addiction). Of course, coffee is a stimulant, so that might not help anyway. As this month nears to a close, I am still hung up on the breakup and not able to rid myself of a touch of hope.

And as bad as things have been for me so far this year, I need to try to keep a positive outlook for the future… So, let's look at the positives so far this year: 1) I've gotten a lot of crocheting done. 2) I have found out (again) what an awesome group of friends I have. 3) I've read some good books. 4) I've re-discovered the joys of tea. 5) I've spent some quality time with my family. 6) I have started going to church regularly again (started this for Lent, and hope to continue after the season is over - it actually does make me feel better). 7) I've be re-motivated to follow my diet and have seen some success. 8) I am determined to learn how to knit this year (this is a positive, right?)

So...Here's to focusing on the positive!

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