Melancholy

I didn't have a great weekend. I suppose it started Friday afternoon. Friday morning was fine, and I was in a great mood, and feeling productive. I went to lunch with some co-workers and had a good time - Mexican food in the spirit of Cinco de Mayo. All was fine and we shared lots of laughs and giggles.

Then later at work, that food was just sitting in my stomach like a load of bricks. And I haven't felt quite right all weekend. Weird. But I also think it has to do with some emotional stuff going on. High emotions, stress, etc...all manifest themselves in my gut and make me feel physically ill. (I have actually been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and am on meds for it. They have helped tremendously - I can't imagine how bad the break-up would have been without them.)

Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my break-up. I was really hoping I'd be over it by now (or back together with him). And I know I had a tough weekend last weekend too. But all week I was fine, and actually feeling pretty darn good mid-week, like I was free and the possibilities were endless. And I was seeing how the two of us probably never would have worked out anyway. But for some reason, it hit me again this weekend. Probably because of the timing. Plus, I'm always pretty melancholy around this time of year, as the anniversary of my sister's death is also looming. (She died 5/10/92 at the age of 18, in a car accident - it was Mother's Day.)

So, all of this together is difficult. And when I get this way, I am convinced that I will be alone forever. As if I lost my only chance for love. I need to stop letting myself think that way. I know that I deserve better, and that there has to be someone out there for me. But, dating is so nerve-wracking, and I am not good at it. I am just not the type who meets people, I guess. Men do not approach me. And so, I am afraid it will take me another 29 years to find someone else. (I am hoping that this is a ridiculous fear, but time will tell, right?)

Gracie is here now. I've never seen a cat get used to a new home so quickly. She didn't run off and hide or anything. She did explore quite a bit (not that there's much to explore.) She is very affectionate - but she drools more than any cat I've ever met. She likes to sit with me on the couch and follow me around the house (in advance...she tries to beat me to wherever she thinks I'm going). I would have pictures in this post, but the computer and my camera are not currently getting along. I'll keep trying. (Hopefully I can get them online tomorrow night.)

And I've also been paranoid that something is going to happen to the cat, and I'm not going to be able to handle it. (I think I've been reading a little too much Crazy Aunt Purl...) I had a very sick cat before - the vets couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she had constant diarrhea and couldn't keep any food down. And I know it had nothing to do with me, but I felt like I was a terrible mother to her.

So, um, anyway, my mother and stepfather did come up Saturday morning with the new, less hideous couch. And we hauled the old ones away to a thrift store in town. I wasn't sure they'd take the couches, seeing as how ugly and old they are. The place had told me on the phone that they'd need to see them before deciding whether or not they'd take them. Well, my stepfather was pulling the truck around so the guys could assess the couches, and my mom and I were wandering around the shop. Well, we wandered into the room where they had the furniture...I turned and looked at my mom and said, "I don't think we're going to have a problem." Wow, there were some awful pieces in there... Amazingly ugly...made mine look great in comparison!

But a few hours after they left, I started not feeling so great again. And I fell asleep in front of the TV, which is not something I do often.

This morning, I still wasn't feeling great, and ended up cancelling the plans I had to go hang out with some friends (even though it would have been good for my psyche - I just didn't feel up to it). So, I made a quick run to the library (not far from home) and store, but spent most of the day curled up with the cat and a book, with the TVLand Good Times marathon going in the background. And I started the 2nd Lorna's Laces Sock.

I hope this week is an improvement! (Though the 10th will still probably suck...)